New Favorite Book

so i got these book vouchers from the christian union as a "thank you" for being a guest during their mission week. 30pounds worth, which is awesome. i mean, do that right and you COULD get 6 books. warning: i'm feeling introspective which means that this won't be your standard blog.

ed and i went to Wesley Owen yesterday with our vouchers to peruse and do some shopping for a mutual friend's baptism. my friend doesn't really like books, but it's all i can use the vouchers on and it might sound lame, but i'm really low on moolah, so i knew i had to dig deep into the personality of my friend and really figure out a book that would suit him. i ended up buying The Raggamuffin Gospel, Blue Like Jazz, and a commentary on Daniel (that was for me). I hadn't read either of the first two books and so i was running a risk with purchasing them for si, but based on what i'd heard i thought they'd be okay and i figured i'd skim through both of them and chose the best one.

so after reading through a couple of pages of Ragga, i picked up Blue Like Jazz and didn't put it down for hours. I finished the book in probably 6-8 hours total. the entire time i read it, i was on the verge of tears. FINALLY, someone who was willing to be honest about everything you could possibly be honest about. someone who wasn't trying to tell you who to become, but who was just presenting himself as an authentic sinner who often finds choosing Jesus over the world really, really hard. someone who was so real in his writing that you honestly felt like you might be able to recognize him on the street if he ever passed you. someone who has been really upfront about wrestling with truth day in and day out, and whose end is always a deeper commitment to this God who loves him without reservation.

it was honestly like this amazing breath of fresh air after months of feeling like a failure--like someone who doesn't believe as much and with as much conviction as she should--like someone who loves the world and can't quite figure out how not to most days. as someone who was trying to force herself to believe things, so that when she met with christian or non-christian people they would believe them just as deeply.

i was afraid of what admitting all of these soul stirring realities would bring about amongst my peers and what verbalizing it would simply mean about myself. I'm a full-time overseas Christian worker. I constantly hear, "You're amazing," "You inspire me," "You've given up so much" was i a fraud? a failure? weak? ignorant?

i couldn't keep up with what everyone else was telling me that i was.

after reading through this book, i found myself wanting to pass it on to everyone i know. the girls i disciple, my team, new christians. friends back home---i wanted to say, "This is the reality of what goes on in every person's heart...in my heart. I am no different than you. Don't be fooled by the front that I or anyone else puts on that leads you to placing them on some pedestal of super-spiritual prowess. I'm a fake, a phony, a weak, weak person who is vain, and stubborn, and lacking in just about every area that you could give a category."

for months, maybe even years i've been numbering my "victories" and the fact that my limitations existed haunted me. i couldn't do or be enough. i can't.

today i think that i finally realized my humanity and how that is reflected so genuinely in the fact that i am limited in millions of ways. ironically, my limitations have now allowed me to love God more because he loves me in spite of them.

i feel like i can breathe again.